ALL NEW Dr. Penelope!!!
1. Q:
I'm so frustrated. I learn more Spanish out in the streets than I do in my Spanish class. What's the point of even going to class?
A
Dear desperately troubled Estudiante,
It's great that you learn in the streets – that is more beneficial to you in terms of simple, every day communication. Consider, though, if you didn't have that base and structure that you learn en tu clase de español. You may not realize it, but all the grammar and vocabulary you learn in class really helps you listen more intently to the Spanish you hear in everyday life. Trust me, I've been there. Just keep studying and listening!
2. Q
Dear Dr. Penelope,
I'm having trouble figuring out how to take money out of the bank with my card. I put my card into the machine, but it disappeared! I got another one, but I still don't know how to approach the ATM. Can you help?
A
Dear desperately troubled Banker,
The first step of solving your predicament is to make sure you have your card on your person. Got it? Now, take it out of your wallet. Do you remember your PIN number? You better. Next, insert your card into the machine and make sure to punch in your pin and not stare blankly at the screen. Otherwise, your card will get eaten again, which is what I assume happened your first time around. Now that you're past the fear of your card disappearing, sacar dinero and proceed to take out your specified amount. Good luck deciding how much – hopefully the task isn't too difficult for you ;).
3. Q
Dear Dr. Penelope,
I met an exceptionally cute, hilarious girl at a party, but I don't remember her name, and I'm too afraid to approach her. I'm pretty sure she was planning on going to another party that I was going to, but that party was canceled, probably because it was hosted by some stupid freshman. I see this girl on campus all the time, but she doesn't acknowledge me and nobody seems to know anything about her. How do I solve this mystery girl?
A
Dear desperately troubled Romeo,
I'm afraid to tell you that if this girl is so mysterious, she probably does not want to be found out. She is the kind of girl who really needs someone original and creative to make a good impression. She is seemingly uninterested in you and everyone else, but all it will take to win her admiration is a strong personality. Do something that will totally catch her off guard. Be confident, but not too forward. She has probably worked hard to maintain such an impenetrable image, so under NO circumstance shall you try and investigate her person via Facebook or any other uncanny method of discovery. Do not talk to her if she looks in a hurry, and do not wait around for her to appear. Do not plan anything out, just grab the opportunity without thinking and take things as they come. Also, do not try to act cool, but simply be yourself, she'll appreciate that more. Now, if she rejects you, do not look sad... play it off like nothing happened. This MIGHT offend her just enough to spark interest. Good luck crackin' the case.
4. Q
Dear Dr. Penelope,
You know the people who always keep talking and talking without realizing that you no longer want them around? They just won't leave! Do they not hear themselves? Furthermore, do they not hear my one-word, mumbled, uninterested responses (i.e. "Yeah," "Mhmmm," "Right")? Is there some special trick or manoeuver that might assist my, and I'm sure many other people's, predicament?
A
Dear desperately troubled Listener,
I would first like to address any of these excessive talkers who may be reading this column: Please STOP talking! If you have been the only one uttering full sentences for more than one minute without any lengthy responses, you have been talking TOO long.
Now, my dear Listener. The first step in avoiding these annoying creatures is to be more aware of their expected presence. The more in tune to when both your schedules collide, the more prepared you will be when it comes to indirectly ignoring everything they might have to say. Once you have completed step 1, you may progress to step 2.
Every time you know they will be coming around, act like you are in a hurry; pretend you have somewhere important to be or you have some important task to complete. The brisker you are, the less chance they have to hold you up in a flimsy, one-sided discussion. The most important rule to remember is DO NOT STOP [walking]! If you stop, there is no knowing how long your poor, unfortunate soul will be trapped and tangled in their meaningless words.
After much avoidance due to your seemingly busy lifestyle, step 3 will naturally put itself into play. They will stop trying to talk to you altogether. This type of personality will need some other body to latch onto with its parasitic monologues. This may seem like an extensive process, but the end result is quite satisfying and you will have acquired a skill that may prove extremely useful in the future: the indirect "please go away."
--------------------------------------------------: : : : : : : Dear Dr. Penelope,
1. Q: Dear Dr. Penelope,
I... uh, well I have this problem... I can't stop being drunk. It's not even a drinking issue, I'm just ALWAYS DRUNK! In class I sit there intoxicated out of my mind... I mean, I am listening and trying to focus, but there is no escaping the alcohol content in my blood. My professors can usually tell, and I hate the looks they give me. One of them even gave me the number of some drinking support group! Help me!
A: Dear desperately troubled Drunken Master,
I happen to have the perfect solution. Register for a “Licensed to be Drunk” card. It's a quick and easy process, and by the looks of it, you will not have trouble qualifying. The card allows you to be drunk at any time when you probably should not be drunk. For example, during work or class you may use it; however, if you are acting a fool on a Saturday night at a bar, it does not apply (because if you are at a bar on a Saturday night it is fairly obvious that you will be under alcohol's unavoidable influence), therefore it is not anyone's problem but your own if you get kicked out of said bar. You can find and fill out the application somewhere online... Good luck!
I... uh, well I have this problem... I can't stop being drunk. It's not even a drinking issue, I'm just ALWAYS DRUNK! In class I sit there intoxicated out of my mind... I mean, I am listening and trying to focus, but there is no escaping the alcohol content in my blood. My professors can usually tell, and I hate the looks they give me. One of them even gave me the number of some drinking support group! Help me!
A: Dear desperately troubled Drunken Master,
I happen to have the perfect solution. Register for a “Licensed to be Drunk” card. It's a quick and easy process, and by the looks of it, you will not have trouble qualifying. The card allows you to be drunk at any time when you probably should not be drunk. For example, during work or class you may use it; however, if you are acting a fool on a Saturday night at a bar, it does not apply (because if you are at a bar on a Saturday night it is fairly obvious that you will be under alcohol's unavoidable influence), therefore it is not anyone's problem but your own if you get kicked out of said bar. You can find and fill out the application somewhere online... Good luck!
2. Q: Dear Dr. Penelope,
I met this Spanish guy who is significantly older than me... we met once at a bar, and now... HE WILL NOT STOP TRYING TO CONTACT ME. He came to meet me at school after my classes, when I barely even remember telling him where I go to school. May I remind you I have only met him ONCE. I told him to leave me alone and he cried like a baby. I met him once. And it is not like he is an emotional teenage boy, he is apparently a grown man! I MET HIM ONCE. What in the world is going on?
A: Dear desperately troubled Heartbreaker,
IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! I am not sure if you have heard the rumors, but Spanish boys can be rather sensitive. If this hombre is acting so crazy, for lack of a better term, after one night of knowing you, you should definitely avoid him for eternity. Get a personal body guard; carry around some mosquito repellant; do whatever you have to do to keep him at bay & away!
I met this Spanish guy who is significantly older than me... we met once at a bar, and now... HE WILL NOT STOP TRYING TO CONTACT ME. He came to meet me at school after my classes, when I barely even remember telling him where I go to school. May I remind you I have only met him ONCE. I told him to leave me alone and he cried like a baby. I met him once. And it is not like he is an emotional teenage boy, he is apparently a grown man! I MET HIM ONCE. What in the world is going on?
A: Dear desperately troubled Heartbreaker,
IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! I am not sure if you have heard the rumors, but Spanish boys can be rather sensitive. If this hombre is acting so crazy, for lack of a better term, after one night of knowing you, you should definitely avoid him for eternity. Get a personal body guard; carry around some mosquito repellant; do whatever you have to do to keep him at bay & away!
3. Q: Dear Dr. Penelope,
It seems that everyone at school thinks I'm a lesbian. I made one “feminist” remark, if you can even call it that, in class and everyone looked at me crazily. And, oops, I happened to wear the same shirt as some guy one day (a very generic shirt, may I add) and now he glares at me all the time. People point and whisper, now, and it's getting out of hand. Why are they like this?
A: Dear desperately troubled Ambiguous,
What are you worrying about? If people are STILL that immature, who cares? If you are not a lesbian, why do you care? Even if you were, why pay any attention? These are the questions you must ask yourself. Counter their glares with your flare and confidence and they will disappear.
It seems that everyone at school thinks I'm a lesbian. I made one “feminist” remark, if you can even call it that, in class and everyone looked at me crazily. And, oops, I happened to wear the same shirt as some guy one day (a very generic shirt, may I add) and now he glares at me all the time. People point and whisper, now, and it's getting out of hand. Why are they like this?
A: Dear desperately troubled Ambiguous,
What are you worrying about? If people are STILL that immature, who cares? If you are not a lesbian, why do you care? Even if you were, why pay any attention? These are the questions you must ask yourself. Counter their glares with your flare and confidence and they will disappear.
4. Q: Dear Dr. Penelope,
I just moved to Spain and I am still getting used to the little differences... Like, how do I turn my bathroom light off? I keep pressing the button, but it will not turn off! Is it, like, automatic or something? Please help!
A: Dear desperately troubled... Light-Fool,
All I have to say is, “Not my chair, not my problem.”
I just moved to Spain and I am still getting used to the little differences... Like, how do I turn my bathroom light off? I keep pressing the button, but it will not turn off! Is it, like, automatic or something? Please help!
A: Dear desperately troubled... Light-Fool,
All I have to say is, “Not my chair, not my problem.”
